so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
