I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
