yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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