My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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