Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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