i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
