Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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