Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
