He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
