i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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