turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
