i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
