I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
