If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
