I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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