The maid of honor just puked.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She's just so happy...and so naked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
