we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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