Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
