dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
