I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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