FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
