At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
