She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
