That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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