I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
