I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
