I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
