either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
