I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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