You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
