I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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