I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found your dick twin last night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
