You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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