I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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