In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this will be a night to untag.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
me + whiskey = a bad person
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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