All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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