I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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