this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
