I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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