What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
