I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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