you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
