i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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