My liver just broke up with me...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
