cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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