He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
