So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
