today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
