there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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