There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
