Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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